where can I find one?

Old people can be found in most public areas during the daytime. You can find them in bus stops and in post offices and are commonly in groups of 3 or more.

They tend to be of the female sex due to the fact that the male variety rarely live past 60 years. In rare circumstances old men can be found loitering in betting offices and public toilets.

Here is a list of locations where guaranteed sightings occur:

• The Post Office
  This is where old people meet all their friends. Some old people love this place so much they wait outside all night for it to open in the morning. An ideal place for buying stamps and cashing your pension. 
• The Bingo Hall
  The Bingo Babes are a vicious breed who drink and smoke all night whilst betting on a load of coloured balls being blown out of a plastic pipe. 
• In a Hospital
  due to their brittle nature they tend to frequent hospitals a lot
• In Churches
  The opposite of the bingo tribe, the church goers are a peaceful breed who believe in religion and Jesus and can be caught closing their eyes when they prey. These are the ones that you can hear from the back of the church when hymns are sung at Weddings. The church is also another good place to get a cup of tea and catch up on the latest Weddings, Funerals and Christenings.
• The Bus Stop
  Probably the most popular pass time is waiting in the bus stop. Usually at the front if there are a few people waiting and holds everybody up by trying to get on the bus.
• In Family Fortunes Studio Audiences
  They just love it here, you can hear them laughing hysterically even when nothing remotely funny has been said. They are the ones with their coats and hats on usually near the front.
• First five seats on a Double Decker Bus
  It's as far as they can walk before the driver pulls away from the bus stop. They are the ones that moan when they have to move for a pregnant woman with a pushchair in one arm and two kids in the other who needs the seat.
• Retirement Home
  100% guarantee of a sighting here. This is their habitat.
• In a Cafe
  An ideal place to take a rest and drink a cheap cup of weak tea. What more can an old person want after a hard day round the charity shops.
• The Market at 9.00am on Monday's Wednesday's and Friday's
  Get first in the line with this popular haunt. For those dedicated old people it is worth waiting all day for the bargains on the fruit 'n' veg and the meat stalls just before closing.
• In the Pub
  This in an ideal location for old people to hang out. Many modern pubs  nowadays cater for the old person. Many have ramps, disabled toilets, chairs, smelly carpets and open fires. They are built in old fashioned style with black and white pictures on the walls so old people feel at home. Sometimes old people get chatted up by pissed up young people which makes them feel good.
• At the Butchers
  Old people just love the local butcher. They know who's got the best lump of meat and have even been known to travel long distances on the bus to purchase boiled ham and a variety of other cold pressed meats.
• Funerals
  normally situated in the corner of the room with a ham sandwich and a cup of tea on their lap

beware the disguises

Due to modern technology some old people have had surgery to help them blend in and this can be hard to spot until they take their clothes off.

Some even go to the lengths of taking hormone replacement to but the spring back into their step and to increase the chances of having a shag.

have you spotted any?

If you have a picture of an old person you encountered, send them to us at and we will feature them in our gallery.