taking the piss out of old folk since 1942
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the good old days

Many old people keep referring to the good old days as if it was some kind of utopia. Many believe life was better before decimalisation and the introduction of items such as television and computers.

Money was worth more in the olden days too. There was over 200 pence in an old pound compared to the current 100 and you could buy a brand new car for a stunning £500.

some other things about the good old days:

health:

People were healthier in the old days because nobody had invented gene therapy. There were however illnesses such as Tuberculosis, Influenza and Cholera that helped keep the hospitals full. Doctors even visited sick people in their homes and babies were delivered in the front room. There were very few doctors named Dr. Singh.

Cigarettes made the greatest contribution to the generation with Doctors recommending certain brands to combat coughs and colds. These were the days before government taxed them to death and were so popular that you could buy them for about 3p and smoke 60 to 100 a day easily!


go on - have a fag

community:

You could leave your front door open without the worry of people burgling you. This may be because nobody had anything worth nicking. Everyone knew about everyone else in the community because the women used to gossip over the garden fence all day long.

Street crime wasn't as bad as today because you could pay some organisation to 'protect you' and the same people would shoot your knees off if you didn't pay on time.

families:

In the olden day's families were much larger due to the fact that there was bugger all to do except shag. Families usually consisted of around ten children compared to today's average of two. The father of the house went out to work (usually in a factory) whereas the mother spent most of her life in the kitchen with children hanging off her breasts.

Before the invasion of the Indian and Chinese takeaway families used to sit around a dinner table to eat. Mealtimes consisted of boiled bacon and boiled to death vegetables with puddings afterwards. Lard, sausages and bacon were essential items in every kitchen.

transport:
The roads were safer because only the rich could afford cars.  There were no such thing as learner drivers because they gave a driving license to anyone who could walk in a straight line. There was however lots of horse shite all over the place. Everyone travelled by bus.

warfare:

Wars were rife in the good old days with millions of people going abroad to kill millions of other people. They loved war so much they strung them out for for or five years at a time. One favourite pastime was sitting in an air raid shelter singing "Well Meet Again" and telling really crap stories. We have the old people of today to be thankful for the holocaust and nuclear weapons.

environment:

Nobody gave a shit basically! CFC gasses were safe and the ozone layer was thought to be some sort of time warp in a Flash Gordon episode. Global warming hadn't been invented and animals were used commonly in transport and the workplace.

technology:

Radio was the pre-war equivalent to the internet and many an hour was spent gathered round a funny looking plastic thing in the corner with voices of posh people being transmitted out of it. Later they invented massive computers that filled a small stadium and that could make around 2 calculations an hour. However this technology soon progressed and got the better of them as many old people now cannot even work a simple video recorder.

shopping:

Before the invention of Tesco's and the Internet people used to pop to the local corner shop to buy everything. The corner shop was very different back then as the shop owner knew everybody's name and spoke English. The corner shop closed at dinner time and no way did a shop open past 4.30pm during a weekday and definitely never on a Sunday.

entertainment:

The cinema played an important role in the olden days. Cinemas would be crammed full of kids on a Saturday watching things like The Adventures of Tarzan and classics like Flash Gordon. Toy Story or Star Wars hadn't been invented then so cinema goers had to be satisfied with crappy wobbly sets made out of cardboard and scary enemies made out of tin foil.

Clubbing was also popular where crowds of young adults used to jive the afternoon away to the sound of around 50 blokes in dinner suits playing instruments. DJ's or pop bands had not been invented then and the lighting consisted of a mirror ball and a light bulb. Music was also very different then as you could actually understand the words in the songs.

the end
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I want to be a pensioner when I grow up!